#blog11 How do you get over someone you never actually dated? 🤯

How can you like the wrong person so much? 🖤

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It’s true. 😂

I read somewhere that the problem(s) you spot at the start of a relationship will always be the reason(s) for the relationship coming to an end. I really felt this in my soul. I need to break the cycle, girls. I am always thinking that I am stronger than the problem and I can make it go away because I suppose that’s the kind of person I am. Whatever it is that I’ve wanted in my life, I have gotten. Whether it be through studying, hard work or making a phone call to Mam and Dad 😬😂, whatever it is I have had my sights on, sooner or later it has been mine! 

I have taken some time lately to reflect on my choices and patterns when it comes to the opposite sex. I fell into a really sad situation over Christmas and I have been trying to pull myself out of it since… so dating or even speaking to anybody has not been at the forefront of my mind. This cooling off period has been good to me in some ways and bittersweet in others. 

Some days, I genuinely feel that my love life is doomed and that the next person who wants in is also doomed. I actually feel sorry for the people who are trying with me 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

If my single time has taught me anything it is that I have become hard work and so is dating me! 😣 I do not treat the right guys right and am attracted to the ones who cannot give me what I want. I am fussy. I am irrational. I make silly decisions. I am all over the place! 🤦🏼‍♀️

So, some time out has done me good in that I have learnt a lot about myself and the way that I think now. One thing I picked up is that even though my exes have absolutely nothing in common, my pattern of behaviour with them has always been the same.

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Let’s have a gander through the EX FILES 🤓

(If you’re new here you’ll need to go back a few blogs to find out more about the ‘Who is Who of Human Nut Sacks’ that is my love life in order to keep up with the numbers and codes 😂)

Today I will be using exhibits 2 and 3! 💩 

2: TOXIC LOVE

RED FLAGS: gambled money away, stayed out all weekend, womaniser.

3: SUPERFICIAL LOVE

RED FLAGS: issues with regulating his emotions, emotional baggage and to be honest, just an oddness at times that I couldn’t quite put my finger on! 

These red flags appeared at the very start of both relationships… and you guessed it! They were the same reasons for the relationships ending. 

So, you’d think the smart thing for me to do when choosing a mate after these two shit storms is to NEVER ignore the red flags again. Right? NAHHHHHH. 

T: MAYBE LOVE

RED FLAGS: does not want to commit to you. 

Why would you need to get over someone that you never actually dated? 🤔🤯

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I have had my fair share of shitty break ups but as I’ve discussed previously, I’ve always sailed through the post break up storm with ease. I left the love of my life (2) and the father of my baby (3) with no real tears or regrets and not once did I ever worry if I was doing the right thing. This made me wonder…

How can someone that you never actually dated compete with those extreme examples of love? ♥️♥️

I’ll tell you how, shall I? Because the guy you never dated never actually hurt you. They never actually let you down. You never actually lost anything when they went away because they never did actually bring anything to the table. Because you, the two of you together, were always a MAYBE. The technicality of being a MAYBE means, you may actually feel hurt or let down by them but you are always reminded that you have no right to feel that way. So you start rationalising their behaviours:

Well, we’re not actually dating so he doesn’t need to contact me whilst he’s out. 😒

Well, we’re not actually dating so you can’t wonder why he hasn’t asked how Baby is while he’s in hospital. 😔

Well, we’re not actually dating so you can’t be mad that he wasn’t there to hold your hand through it all. 😞

Soooo, where does that leave us? Shit street. That’s where.

BECAUSE

Now that you’ve mentally hall passed their fuck ups, you have no reason not to like them, ergo, you still want them! 🤯🤬 

MATE?!?! Don’t ask me. I don’t get it either. 

We were almost but I always knew we weren’t🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Bread crumbing is the worst kind of dating tactic to get caught up in… 

He almost messaged enough. 

He almost reached out to me enough. 

He almost cared enough.

He almost liked me enough.

You start to think, “If he wasn’t thinking about me, he wouldn’t send me that. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t remember that. If he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t kiss me like that…” but you never actually KNOW. 

It’s cruel! But what’s worse is when you finally do try and move on from them and the MAYBEs kick in. 

Maybe I would have met his friends. 

Maybe if I was less bonkers. 

Maybe we could have made this thing real.

Maybe.

Maybe he can’t move away from his type. 

Maybe if I wasn’t a single mam.

Maybe…

The head fuck is only having your half 😒

The hard part is never knowing if he was ever on the same page as you.

The embarrassing part is thinking about the investment and energy you put into trying and then realising that you might have misread every single thing he did or said. 

The worst part is accepting the things he didn’t do when you needed him to. 

Your half of reality wasn’t reality 😔

This bit sucks dick. If you’re anything like me and keep your dating life private (I know ya’ll are reading about it here😂) but what I mean is, nobody really knows who I’ve been on dates with, who I speak to regularly or when I’ve been seeing somebody for a long time because I keep a lid on things. Not to appear mysterious and sultry (because I’m actually a massive, goofy sharer to the right person/ people) but because I worry that things will go tits up. Again. And I have to then deal with telling people why. Again. 

The downside to this is, nobody knows the extent of our situationship, but us. Nobody would understand me feeling like I’ve lost something, but him. There isn’t one person on this earth that knows close to everything about our ‘relationship’ … so I can’t talk about it. To anyone. Nobody knows it happened the way that it did 😂🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ 

So my reality is in fact, all in my head. 🤯

For the record- at no point in my situationship did I think this person was my soulmate. At no point did I think he would be The One. At no point did I have any desire to make him a permanent fixture in my life… so I honestly don’t understand my fixation here. I just liked him 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Me: Ok. Noted. Thanks hun. 

ANYWAY! 

As you’ve probably gathered, I’m still padding my way through figuring out how to put MAYBE LOVE behind me. I do know though, that if you’re in a similar situation (and I can’t believe how many of you lovely people actually are in 2019 🤯) I do know, that you are entitled.

You are entitled to feel sad that whatever it was you shared together is no longer. 

You are entitled to miss what you had. Regardless of whether you both felt the same things at the same time or not, it was real. It still happened. 

And most importantly, you are entitled to realise that his opinion of you doesn’t mean shit. And his reasons for why he never dated you don’t mean shit either. 

So send that psycho text sis, say what you got to say to him, what have you got to lose? Change his name in your phone to ‘Thrush’ and go on that date with his best mate… or better still- give in to his brother! 😂

Then try and figure out how to be done with it all. 😚

Ride the waves with me! And keep sending me your experiences… I love knowing that I’m not the only drama queen around these parts 🙋🏼‍♀️😂

Thank you, next! 🙋🏼‍♀️ 

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Single Bells, Single Bells, Single All The Wayyyyy… 🎄

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I started to write this entry with the original title being ‘Alone at Christmas’ but then I put the brakes on my own pity party and changed it because I am not even close to being alone. I am simply without a partner. I am not going to get my sassy on and pretend that this fact wasn’t difficult to deal with at times this Christmas, because it was… I found it even harder this year than the last because I still had my infamous 2018 situationship (that is probably boring you all to tears by now) happening with T. 🙄 

ANYWAY! 

I like to be prepared for all situations so I came up with a list (I do love a list) of things to keep me occupied and feeling FINE ready for when the festivities hit.

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Fine? Who is ever fine? If someone responds to a, “How are you?” with a, “Fine!” …that’s you on suicide watch for the foreseeable future, hun. 

So here goesssss:

🎄Don’t Compare

We all have this annoyingly bad habit of either comparing our lives to our friends and family’s or to the life we once had. Both of these comparisons SUCK. So stop it!

I get it… your bestie is off to the Christmas markets to eat and drink and be merry with her fiancé. Lush. Your cousin had tickets to see Pink from her husband as one of her gifts. Lush. (Even though she wishes they were for Jess Glynne 🙄😂) 

Me? What did I do? What did I have? Ummm… let’s see. Black Friday night out resulting in me being blackout drunk on tequila in the local dive where people get fingered out the back by the bins… OH! And tiles! I had kitchen tiles as a gift! 😀 

Listen- that materialistic shit doesn’t REALLY bother me, not really when I think about it. (I’m sooooo lucky that I have beautiful Baby to spend my Christmas holidays with 😍 and to be honest when one of the Santas we visited asked me to be one of his helpers, it kind of made my fanny flutter 🎅🏻🤶🏻 take those MAMA PERKS!)

Most people have gone through the agony of a break up and no doubt everybody reading has at one time had a magical Christmas with a partner. So I get that when you are single you cannot help but think of your previous Christmas with them and so the festivities without a partner can become sore. Especially when every other post on Facebook is of baes and their babies in matching Christmas PJs 😬🤦🏼‍♀️

But what ripped some wounds open for me this Christmas Eve was putting Baby to bed and setting up for his Christmas… alone. (Once the fam and my besties finally pissed off and let me get on with it, of course!🍷🥴) 

Before I go off on one, I’d like to just say that this moment also made me incredibly proud, it’s just that I have had the Christmases with both 3 and Baby and in those moments, I thought all my Christmases would always be that way. I have had the Christmases that we were supposed to have forever. I already know what that they should be like… and it made me think, that even when I do meet someone lucky enough to be in mine and Baby’s life for the rest of our Christmases, it will never be the Christmas Baby and I once had. The Christmases where Baby didn’t have to split his day between both houses and both parents. The Christmas where pictures of Baby weren’t sent through WhatsApp for the other parent to see… BUT these double Christmases (lucky sod) are all he will ever know ♥️

🎄 Do Plan

Choose your nights out:

Try to plan for busy nights, empty nights will lead to thinking instead of drinking and nobody needs that kind of negativity during the holidays!

Choose your company:

Controversial BUT I would choose your happy, coupled up pals who only get let out once in a while so that they are all over getting shitfaced with you. Be warned they may end up recording you on Snapchat trying to throw bouncers out of their own pub for standing on their own chairs. Cheers for that B 😚

DO NOT choose anybody feeling the same as you. You will wallow together in the smoking area saying things like “2019 is our year” and “This time next year I’ll be engaged…” Fuck. That. Again 😂… sorry AJ ♥️

Choose your outfits:

Ones that cover all the pigs in blankets consumed but also make you look like you deserve a good stuffing too! 🙌🏻

And remember… we are only talking about 12 days out of 365 (and a partridge in a pear tree)… You can do this! 

🎄Don’t Recycle

I mean you must recycle… (as a parent is there anybody you are waiting on more than the recycling guys this time of year? 🎁🎀🤦🏼‍♀️ AM I RIGHT?) but what I mean is don’t recycle old feelings, exes or sex. SO easy to do and I think this time of year has a way of making you feel feelings that you’re not even actually feeling. Mulled wine had me dropping insincere L bombs when in fact I think all it was that I was feeling was relief from the datastrophe (dating catastrophe) I had recently gone through. Yeah… Hometown didn’t work out. Not one bit. Poor bugger. 

ANYWAY! What I’m saying is, steer clear of the ghosts of ex-mas past. It’s so easy to get caught up in old feelings when seeking the comfort from people you already know. Just ask yourself- if it was June, would you feel this pressure? This particular holiday makes you feel like the walls of couples are starting to close in on you so you start to panic! STOP! Chill your tits. Eat another Terry’s Chocolate Orange babe and whatever you do, do not fucking text him. 

There is a reason there is not a colour coded bin for Dicks in between your Glass bin and your Plastics bin. Recycling sex so you’re not adding another dick to the list sounds like a good idea at the time… especially when it’s so good! BUT, be careful! That can land you in some deep shit too. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤚🏻 I can’t talk about that- but I what I will say is, my current sitch has been such an eye opener for both myself looking at ME and my choices but even more so, actually SEEING him for the first time properly too. It feels so good to be done. 

 

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And last but not least on my list:

 

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🎄 Do spend the money on yourself that you would have spent on a Devil Dick 😀

To me, 

From me x

BANGING 🙌🏻

Have a good one queens… and don’t make any silly New Year resolutions! Take each day as it comes. We got this 🙌🏻👸🏼

#blog10 Which one Wins? 🧠❤️😈

The Head vs Heart Sitch 

             

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     🧠      vs     ❤️

 

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And let’s not forget that we need to chuck Fanny Flutters into this mix too. So, then what do we end up with, ladies? A horny 😈, emotional maniac ❤️ with a thumping headache 🧠, that’s what!

I am finding that my dating life is finding endless ways to fry my fucking brain. Does anybody want to tell me why we are faced with so many decisions, big and small, even when you are single AF? I thought the heavy shit only came into play when you get into a relationship. Oh no, no, no, my friends. Quite the contrary. 

I’m fed up of having relationship problems with people I am not in a relationship with… 🙄

From problems as little as which photo to upload on my insta to whether or not to text him back immediately or wait 27 minutes (to give the impression I’m busy… duhhh) to having the feels for someone who does not want them. Dating is such a personal and emotive topic and I often find myself grappling with internal conflict about which way to go. 

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Some days I enjoy being alone, other days I am needy for attention and recently, guys, I have started to enjoy dating. 😱 I KNOW! (Granted, this new found enjoyment for the dating game came only after a mini intervention from my friends and family… 🙄 I am sure they were all worried that I was going to throw in the dating towel and buy a cat instead. I was thinking more of investing in a sex toy than a pet to be honest but what evs. 🤷🏼‍♀️) 

ANWAY! I have been dating. As in the normal kind, where he takes you out in public and gets to know you and shit. Not the 2018 kind where they send you a dick pic that you didn’t ask for and then you find yourself starting to catch cyber feels because the filter makes it look so pretty 🤤. It’s been refreshing to be able to say things like, “He held the door open for me and carried my wine glass to the table!” instead of “He sent me a hungover Snapchat with the caption, ‘Spoon o wa?’…”

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There’s been a few different types of guys and some different types of dates. Take a look:

  • The Vegan- Cinema (I mean, where would we eat? I would eat rump steak for breakfast, lunch and tea if I could…)
  • The Barman- Theatre (Didn’t get the chance to speak!) 
  • The Teacher – Theatre (As above… ain’t nobody getting a goodnight kiss from me if I haven’t heard how your spoken English is, hun 🙄)
  • Hometown – Restaurant, Halloween Trail (🦋☺️… to be continued!) 

Here, Fishy Fishy! 🐠🐟🐙🦑🦐🐡🦀

This is important, I feel! To try all the fish in the pond.

Point 1: I’m no expert but I would try and not catch crabs… 🦀

Point 2: I realise you don’t usually find crabs in your bog standard pond but I have avoided saying there is a SEA of fish out there because in my experience, there’s more shite and waste in the sea than there is pretty fishies 🤷🏼‍♀️

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So find your pond. I like local produce. So that I know what I am dealing with. Reel them all in and work out which ones are worth keeping and which ones you should toss straight back in. Use the process to understand what it is you are looking for and what you are not willing to settle on. Sounds mean? Hmmm, I think it’s practical. Although, I am shocking as shit at letting people know I am not interested. I still speak to all of the above loosely 😬 I need to get better at saying, “Thanks but no thanks, hun!” and freeing them from my fishing hook and letting them back into their pond.

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Yeah… soz about that. 

Head vs Heart vs Horn 🧠❤️😈

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For years, I have heard many people talk about the battle between the head and the heart, especially when dealing with dating decisions. But, what baffles me is that nobody mentions the power of the foof in this equation. People are just too sheepish to admit that sex is a thing that drives their wants and needs I figure. Well that’s not me. I need the sexual chems. There are not many things in life these days that can be kept between just two people, that only you two can experience together, feel together and I love that only you two can relive it in your heads. It’s not popping up for you to share on your Facebook memories (Thank fuck 👀😂) and it is probably one of the only things that  you don’t see through your camera lens. (Unless you’re into that!) You have to be there, be present, be together. I just love it 😍

SO! In my experience, the foof loves a good old scrap with the head and the heart. With that in mind, I feel it is vitally important to highlight that we are dealing with three separate entities here, people. Each with a very different view on what it is you need and/ or want from a potential bae. They all fight against each other to try and get what they want, however, it appears that one can encourage the other to make decisions too. 

If mine could speak, this is what I imagine they would say of late:

FOOF= “Do me!”

HEART= “Love me!”

HEAD= “You’re a knob!”

Which should win? 

❤️

Should you listen to your heart and focus on the feelings you have generated for him and trust the sense of what just feels right?

🧠

Or, should you listen to your head and focus on the facts and evidence, the clear signs and probability of what is likely to work out?

😈

Or, should the chemistry win? Is the tingling in your belly as he puts his hands through your hair whilst you kiss enough of a reason to hold on longer? (I wonder will I ever get that with someone else? 😞)

In short my answer is… I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW. Because to put it simply, we all have different views and opinions on what it is that is important to us. We all have different non-negotiables and deal breakers when it comes to dating BUT there is one thing that I think we should ALL know and remember. So heads, hearts and the foofs, listen up!

Know which parts are supposed to be hard… 🍆👀 (Ohhhh get your mind out of the gutter!) 

Here is what I have learnt from being single in 2018. Saying YES should not be hard. (FFS not in that way… and FYI if you are panting the word YES whilst sexing then you need to stop watching so much porn!) 

What I mean is, wanting to see each other should not be hard. Saying, “I like you, let’s do this.” Should not be hard. If you do find it hard then it could be that your heart or even your foof are just not feeling it but maybe your head is saying, “He’s good on paper…” HATE THIS SITCH BTW. Like, what do you do? 😬

OR

If you realise that HE is the one who is finding it hard to dive in with YES to you then one of their entities (❤️🧠😈) are just not that into you. The way is see it is, if all three entities were in, and ALL IN, there is no issue in the world that would stop someone seeing you if they wanted to. We are all scared. We are all damaged to some extent as a result of previous relationship trauma. We are all our own worst critics and would find it difficult to say that we are 100% happy in ourselves BUT saying YES to the right person should not be hard. 

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I am not the person who thinks relationships should be easy either, ya’ll. Lets face it, you are trying to bring your best to someone while they bring their best to you everyday. That is hard. You are both trying to grow together and you both change over the course of months or years and you must still try to see the same person you fell in love with in front of you everyday. That is not easy. But we do it, not because it is easy but because it is meaningful and it is rewarding and it is something that gives us purpose. But the part where you say, “I want to be with you.” And he says, “I want to be with you too.” That should be fucking easy. Spending your lifetime doing your best to communicate with each other, not hurt each other and recommit every day, every year to one another… That part is hard. Saying YES to each other right now should not be hard. 

So… if you are the one finding yourself in a situationship where he is not finding it easy to say YES to you, throw him back into that pond, sister. Remember, you might be the one fishing but YOU ARE THE CATCH and saying YES to you should be sooooo frickin’ easy. 💁🏼‍♀️ I am not saying the fish on the end of your hook is a bad guy, but I am saying, he is soooo bad for you. 

#blog9 Single Mam Stigma

When should you call it quits? 🖤

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Singleton Shaming 😳

Writing about dating in 2018 and the fact that today’s generation is a sea of commitment phobes, got me thinking about how people are quick to say (myself included) that in this day and age, we don’t value relationships, family life and the sanctity of marriage like the generations before us. I have just written a whole entry about the fact that we quickly leave or sometimes stop ourselves getting into relationships these days because we are too caught up with thinking there is better out there for us. 

Then I realised, this idea actually conjures up MIXED emotions for me. Whilst I agree with all of that to some extent, I can’t help but wonder, are we now just living in a generation where women (and men) are simply getting better at saying NO to putting up with bullshit? Is it such a bad thing to have high standards? Why should I settle for less and stay in a relationship that is not serving me?

Sentiments such as anger, regret and embarrassment consume me regularly because I have been before now, embarrassed to say that I am a Single Mam. I guess some part of me is ashamed about the fact that my family didn’t stay as a family and I feel like people are judging me.

Single Mam Stigma 😫

There is no getting away from it, the stigma is there and it’s real and it’s a twat. This first reared it’s ugly head just a few weeks into my Single Mam life whilst I was in a meeting at work. The change in behaviour of a young person was being discussed during the meeting, and the very first question asked by my line manager was, “What is the situation at home? Are Mam and Dad together?” 😳 After a long pause, I swallowed. Then I answered.

“No. Mam and Dad are separated. Can you excuse me for a moment?”

I walked out of the meeting room with a clenched jaw and tears burning in my eyes. As the rhythm of my heels clip clopping sped up, I could feel the warm tears stream down my face just as I reached the toilet door. It was not the first time it had hit me that people look at single parents differently.  It was the first time it had hit me that the single parent was me. I looked at myself crying in the mirror for a while, quite self indulgent thinking about it now, but I suppose I was trying to figure out who it was staring back at me. 

Who was I now to people looking in? 

  • The Single Mam?  
  • The Single Mam who isn’t doing as a good a job as the Mam who lives with Dad? 
  • The Single Mam who did not stick it out for her family? 

All these questions started to make me feel sick and dizzy but I shut my eyes tight, held my breath and then it stopped. I wiped away my tears (still looking at myself in the mirror mind 😂) and I remembered WHY I was a Single Mam.

Strength is knowing when to leave. 

As it so happens, I didn’t have all that much strength to begin with or I would have left sooner. I knew for 6 months (or more) that I should leave him or he should leave me. The signs were all there, but I thought I was doing better by baby by staying. I wanted baby to have it’s parents living together in a happy home so that it could have everything. Turns out, if Mam and Dad are not happy… baby knows. Since we left, baby has grown in happiness, skill and character. This makes me feel guilty everyday for not leaving sooner. So, I have decided to write down some of the warning signs and red flags that I should have taken more notice of when my relationship with 3 was starting to crash and burn. Put the kettle on, hun, there were a few! Take a gander… They may help someone one day. 

  • You stop talking about plans for the future

We always used to get swept up in talking about holidays, home renovations, wedding ideas, baby number 2. It all stopped. To the point we didn’t even plan date nights anymore. 

  • You prefer spending time without them 

He worked nights, I worked days. This used to pain us at first but it soon turned into bliss. We didn’t know how to be with each other in the end, we preferred not being with each other.

  • You don’t text each other just to say ‘I love you’ anymore

In fact, we didn’t text each other at all unless it was to argue.

  • One of you loses interest in having sex

I used to make excuses about not feeling myself after pregnancy… 18 months later and I was still feeling the same.

  • You keep justifying the behaviour of your partner to friends / family 

I spent my whole relationship doing this. “He’s had a terrible upbringing!” or “The army has fucked him up…”

Sometimes I wished he had punched me so that I would have something to show people. 

The night I left him, I thought I was going to have to go to prison. I was plotting how to kill him, because I thought if I didn’t kill him, he might kill me.

I was left in a half naked ball on the cold floor of our bathroom, with the taste of blood in my mouth and parts of my body already bruised and swollen from being dragged around my hall, stairs and landing by my hair. I was trying to regulate my breathing to gain some energy before the next barrage of abuse came my way. The verbal was worse than the physical but I had no energy left for either. 3 was hiding my phone at this point, he had prized it out of my hand (and subsequently broken my finger) so that I could not contact anybody to help me. (Thank fuck for nosey neighbours in the end, eh?) 

ANYWAY! I thought to myself, if I could just get 3 close enough to the top of the stairs, I could maybe push the 17 stone, 6 foot 2 lump down them, and I’d be ok… but it didn’t quite work out this way.

When 3 came back he was thirsty for more. He was unrecognisable, his eyes looked black and his jaw was wide, his whole face was just evil, like something possessed. The truth is, I’d seen him like this twice in the past but what came afterwards this night had never happened before and get this, I am so grateful that it did. If it hadn’t, I would probably still be coasting through life, posting bullshit ‘happy’ photos on social media and living on eggshells everyday. 

I have only told this story a handful of times and I will never indulge in this memory to gain pity from anyone nor use it as an ‘excuse’ to people as to why I am a Single Mam. It is the reason why I am and it does not mean that I do any less of a job than somebody who stays or somebody who genuinely has a happy family home. I am simply making my point. I didn’t want to be or ask to be a Single Mam. I had to be. And that was absolutely the right decision for me and my baby. 

Don’t let someone who does not know your value, tell you what you’re worth. 

So! Old schoolers, Judgy McJudgersons and just people in general, who, after hearing just part of my story, would ever tell me that I should have stayed for the sake of my family? Anybody? Nope? I thought not. Moreover, I hope not.

BUT, unfortunately, the hussle and bustle of day to day life doesn’t allow for everybody to have the time to share their story with the people judging them. There’s no time to tell the teacher standing in front of you as you’re dropping off your child late to nursery again today (because getting yourself ready for work, baby ready for nursery and being out the door before 7.45 all on your own is fucking hard work!) There’s no time to tell the water company on the other end of the phone that as a Single Mam you’re struggling to make that payment (because you had to single handedly buy new school uniform and a fuck load of Thomas toys this month!) And there’s certainly no time to explain to the man eyeing you up at the bar, who has immediately now seen you as nothing more than a fling because you’ve told him, “I’m a Single Mam…”

So, I guess my point is that everybody, whether they are single or married or a parent or not, has a reason for where they are in their lives right now. I know in today’s society, with someone’s Facebook status being just a screenshot away, we are used to knowing everything about everyone… but just think, just because it didn’t make it to the public, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. So be kind people. Be patient. Be non judgemental. But most of all, be proud. I know I am.

 

#blog8 Commitment Phobes: PART 2

So, in PART 1 I asked:

🖤 Why do modern day men (and women) find it so hard to commit? 🖤

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So, queens, answer me this. Howwwww did writing about and exploring this idea rapidly turn the spotlight on to me and my shambolic love life? I’ll tell you why, shall I? Because I am a car crash.

Context from Commitment Phobes Part 1:

My most recent ‘relationships’ 

CP: Older, handsome guy, funny, child of his own, own company but wants to move at lightning speed (pretty normal speed to be fair… I mean I could have done without the overnight bag on date 6 to be honest, but he’s only human to want to spend the night with me! 🤷🏼‍♀️)

ME: Absolutely not! No thank you! 

T: Younger, handsome guy, stays out all weekend, says he’s not ready to even start DATING (never mind a relationship, dating!!!!!) so just wants to hook up once a week (but messaged me every morning, spoke to me all day and we would talk about things that we wouldn’t talk to anyone else about 🤯)

ME: Absofuckinglutely! As if I’m not emotionally unstable enough. Where do I sign?

BUT WHYYYYYY?  I can hear you all scream at your screens! 🧐🤨😏 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m a fuckwhit. And to be completely honest, I have to disclose that I am not in my right fucking mind to be giving anyone relationship advice if I was willing to accept this piss poor excuse for a ‘relationship’ for such a long time. 

But ☝🏻 GO WITH ME HERE. I am without a doubt a fuckwhit, but a fuckwhit with reasons. Spending time with T did not require any more from me or my busy schedule than just a few hours a week. I could spare that initially. I could escape mam life/ work life/ house work/ friends problems and just be in our little bubble. But then… I started to want more from him. 

CP on the other hand, wanted more from me. I had started to put off things I needed to do for work. I had asked my parents to watch baby while I went out on dates 2 and 4 with him. He invited himself back to my house on date 6. He had an overnight bag on the back seat of his car. 😳 I shit you not, I freaked the fuck out. That is when I realised it. I AM THE COMMITMENT PHOBE! I immediately recoiled and you could probably visibly see my icy exterior start to freeze back over again. This guy who openly liked me, wanted more from me and I backed out. 

But… I cannot work out why I can’t seem to commit to shaking off T. I’ll do it for like a fortnight and then I’m like, “Hey, want to come and waste some more of my time?” And he’s like, “Yep. Be right over… after my haircut, of course.”

Hahahaha it actually just occurred to me that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before the time of 8pm 😂 

Let me make this clear from the outset- for the first 6 months he knew nothing about me really, other than how to get me off in under 3 minutes☝🏻

He would rarely ask how my day was going, never arrange a date or would never even simply ask what I was up to like what I imagine normal Homo-sapiens that speak to each other every day would do. To be completely honest- I have no fucking clue what we have actually been talking about for 8 months. All I know is he can get under my skin with every ‘Cutiieeee’ compliment he makes or change in behaviour towards me. Like, if he brings me wine and Kinders, I have to physically prop myself up against a wall to stop myself from falling in love with him. 

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❌❌ !!!!DANGER!!!! ❌❌

I know, I know. I promise. I’m quitting him. He’s just so dreamy and intriguing. He is also really hard to figure out or just really good at playing me like a fiddle. But it is evidentially, a complete waste of my time because this has been going on since January. JANUARY! When I say it out loud it is embarrassing. 

Maybe I should bill you for all the time you wasted? 🤔

But I’m going to take the heat from under T’s ass for a second and put it under mine. 🔥

I asked myself, ‘Why, after years of being a woman with your shit together in your relationships, are you so accepting of this non-committal bullshit?’ 

And then it hit me. My whole dating history might be measured by long, devoted (all be it, fucked up) relationships up until now BUT there was a lack of commitment from myself in them towards the end too. 

Myself and 2: First 4 years I spent fully committed to him and nobody else would even bat my eyelids. I’m afraid the same can’t be said for the final year of our war zone of a relationship. (To be fair, the cheating rat-bag deserved it) 

Myself and 3: Fully committed to being committed. Just wasn’t committed to working on our relationship. (To be fair, the narcissistic wanker didn’t deserve the steam off my piss, let alone any ‘trying’ from me)

This is what I believe to be my problem:

In the first stages of new relationships I’m always ‘all in’. I like the whirlwind of emotions and the butterflies and the undivided attention. This soon dies down like a lead balloon, of course, but I hold on to those initial emotions when going through bad patches in the relationship. ROOKY MISTAKE! I’ve come to learn that those times, at the beginning, are not a true reflection of how the rest of the relationship is going to go. These are simply just the times where both of you were on your A game, trying to impress each other in order to bag a mate ready for hibernation season! 

What he didn’t see in the beginning was us girls make up free in our Harry Potter pjs that have been worn for two nights in a row. No, no! In the beginning we are still wearing make up to bed, picking out matching underwear and shaving our legs within an inch of their lives everyday.

He is reeling us in to a dream life too! He is planning cute date nights, ringing you for an hour at a time to talk about nothing and giving you back tickles without you having to ask. PAH!

A few months down the line when your workload is piling up, you’re having a spotty breakout (from wearing all the make up to bed for him BTW) and you’ve put on some happy chub from all the foodie date nights, they seem to start making less of an effort don’t they? Pisses me off. BUT we hold on to the butterflies from the beginning and as a result, keep coasting through life with each other.

ANYWAY! Back to my Commitment Slut VS Commitment Phobe epidemic

I’m sorry, the vagina you are trying to reach is no longer taking your calls. (Or Snapchat’s!) 😂

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So where does all this leave me, right now?

STILL SINGLE AS FUCK. 

AJ said something that made me laugh but also made a lot of sense… for her 🙄

“Don’t go to the circus if you don’t want to fuck with clowns!” 😂 

But I knew that anyway. What I am trying to learn here is WHY do I want the commitment phobe over the guy that would commit tomorrow? Why am I scared of the latter yet don’t want to let go of T? Is it the challenge? Is my ego bruised? Am I just attracted to Fuckboys who are continually searching for better? Or am I just too committed to everything else in my life and not my love life?

I am not Whitney Houston, hun. I will not always lust you ☝🏻

I still don’t have all the answers to my rhetoric Qs above, but I do know this: T will soon be a memory and a lesson. CP could well be someone who got away but it’s all part of the process my dears! 

I’ve experienced so many CP’s in my time. I have not, however, been single and just had a casual relationship like I had with T. 

AJ (27) has some insight here: 

I think the younger generation of girls (the 18-22 year olds now) are a little more loose than what our generation was. The kind of males we’re attracted to (26-28 year olds) really like THOSE kinds of girls; non committal, still in Uni, not settling anytime soon… us on the other hand are looking for our future husband! (That’s a lot of pressure. Future husband. But she’s right. I don’t just want a boyfriend for now, I want one for keeps. Maybe that’s why I’m being so picky with the ones who want to get serious with me! I’m allowed to be picky about my one for keeps, surely?!) 

AJ continues: I feel like you needed a T because you have never really been single to experience that kind of relationship. It’s a thrill and it’s exciting but they make us appreciate what we want and what we don’t want. (Hmmm… what do I want?)

Initially: 

  • Someone who asks for my phone number and calls me before he goes to bed 🙃
  • Someone who arranges date night on a Monday for Friday and does not expect to come back to mine ☝🏻
  • Someone who asks how my day is going, how baby is doing and doesn’t rush nor drag the new relationship process 🤗
  • Someone who is handsome, funny, kind and hard working 💁🏾‍♂️
  • Someone who I have sexual chemistry with 😈
  • Someone who I will want to introduce to baby… one day 😬

In the future: 

  • Someone who recognises that I’ve had a stressful day in work so runs me a bath and orders us food, so that I don’t have to cook 😍
  • Someone who takes the time out of their busy day to send me cute messages whilst I’m in work 🦋
  • Someone who loves baby as much as they love me (realises baby is a part of me and is my life. Not expecting me to find time without baby for him) 👩‍👦+ 👨🏽
  • Someone so sure of me, I’m never left wondering what they’re thinking or feeling ❤️

(I am also a sucker for a rugby player’s body, a well kept beard and tattoos! But… I could live without them 😝)

So there we have it. My list of credentials. At least I’m back on track, ladies! I was getting to the point in this writing process where I thought I would never even want a partner again. Writing chapters from the book that is me has quite literally made me freeze over at times. But for now, I am very excited that the Ice Queen is starting to come around to the idea of possibly sharing my life with someone again… when the right one comes along, of course! 

#blog7 Commitment Phobes: PART 1

🖤 Why do modern day men (and women) find it so hard to commit? 🖤 

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It’s crazy how much the dating horizon has changed since the last time I was single in 2013. Commitment has become this huge, scary deal where people are reluctant to even plan and stick to a night out with their potential new bae let alone get into a relationship with them. I’ve asked myself time and time again, “Is it me? Have I lost my game? Is it because I’m a Mam now?” Because previously, after going out just once or twice with my exes, we would be starting up a new relationship… and sticking with it!

So, why is it that people will not commit to phone calls or even good old fashioned texts these days? People do not even need to make a first move and ask for phone numbers! Why do we limit communication with the opposite sex to just social media apps? Does that make the ‘relationship’ less of a relationship for us? So if it all falls flat, I’m just that girl he was speaking to on Snapchat? 

*His head*

It was nothing really. 🤷‍♂️🙅‍♂️

(There is not even any tangible evidence to suggest that they were getting to know each other… as the messages disappear as soon as they have been read! 😂)

*Her head*

😫😩😣😔

He hasn’t sent me a generic pic of his desk today.

😱😱😱😱

WAAAHHHH… HE’S TYPING!!!!

(Yes. That’s right. We have all been there! 😂)

          🤨🧐Investment Gauge 🤨🧐

Chatting through an app where the conversation vanishes as soon as you close it just feeds into the notion of low investment being the way forward today. And I get it! Low investment equals less chance of getting hurt. But it could also mean a complete and utter waste of time for all involved.

So! I did a little digging to try and find out what my people’s views were on modern day commitment. You’ll start to notice a trend here…

I asked: 

Why do you think modern day men and women are reluctant to commit? 

You are enough. ☝🏻

GBF (30): “Afraid of getting hurt? I think we live in a world our days where when relationships go through a rough patch people just discard them and throw them away too quickly rather than work at them. I remember reading a quote from an old couple saying that, “In their time if something was broke they would fix it, whereas the young today throw it away and buy a new one”.

🎭👸🏼: So it’s a generational thing? iPhone broke. Throw it away, get a new one. New car advertised. Sell old one, get into debt, buy new one. Is it the same for relationships? If something isn’t working or it isn’t as good as something else they’ve seen, they ‘throw it away’ to have new or better? Hmmm. Interesting.

GBF adds: “It’s because of this people are too afraid to commit, because of how often people can just ‘throw’ it all away.”

🎭👸🏼: Ohhhhhh… I see! So, you think people don’t want to commit because the other person will ‘throw’ them away? How sad. 🙁 I can’t imagine being in a relationship and looking over my shoulder in case he found something better.

Committing and Settling are two different things! ☝🏻

S Club (28):  “Two words. Social Media.” (She isn’t always like this. She’s just had a shitty few weeks with a commitment phobe!) 

I asked S Club to elaborate. 

“They see who else is out there at a click of an app so they don’t want to put all their eggs in one basket. AND other people are readily available to contact or be contacted by… this makes them think the grass is always greener and they’ve always got options.”

🎭👸🏼: First of all. That BOY is a dickhead and you’re a queen. Second of all, I’ll quite happily pickle his genitals for you? Just say the word! 

Friendship commitment aside… let’s look at this logically. 

Logic 1: If somebody can’t completely commit to you without their head being turned at every selfie full of tits on instagram, is he really the one for you? Is it Tits McGee’s fault or his problem? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Logic 2: People are allowed to change their minds about someone… 😐 I know. That sucks donkey dick. But if you didn’t like someone the same way you did as when you first met them, after just a few weeks of relationshipping, you know I’d be telling you to look at your options. 

Confused.com ☝🏻

T (26): “Trust?”

🎭👸🏼: This intrigued me. Why would you not trust someone at the very start of a relationship, even in the dating stages? Surely you trust someone until they give you reason not to? I don’t like the person who made you this way 😔

T continued: “I just think people are afraid of commitment full stop these days. Nobody likes to feel trapped.”

🎭👸🏼: Contradiction here! Now you’re associating new beginnings with being trapped? 🤨

“I just don’t trust girls. Before it used to be boys (who couldn’t be trusted?) but now I think girls are more sneaky and heartless.”

🎭👸🏼: Ohhhh… so girls are catching up with boys? Maybe as the modern woman is evolving and equality is at its peak, we are now too ‘keeping our options open?’

All You Can Eat Buffet! 🍭🍬🍫🍿🍦

Obviously, my people’s views on this topic have been based upon their own experiences with commitment. Speaking generally, I think it’s safe to say that the generational, modern way of life has a great impact on how smooth or bumpy the relationship ride can be. EVERYTHING we want or need can be had by the click of a button today. 

  • Want to buy a new outfit for the weekend? ASOS app. It will be there the next day.
  • Want to see your friend from uni who now lives in Kuwait? FaceTime.
  • Want instant gratification because you’re feeling shitty about yourself after arguing with bae? Upload that selfie to Instagram. 

Everything is immediate. Everything is right there. Including options. At the click of a button or a swipe of a screen, you can quite literally take your pick. 

Fickle Fuckers 🙄

So. You’ve uploaded your selfie. Your likes start to tot up. You’re now checking WHO is liking your selfie. Some things I can guarantee that you say to yourself here are:

  • Can always count on my bestie for that like!😘
  • Oh is he single now?👀
  • Why does he have to like everything I upload? 🙄
  • I thought he was seeing that girl from school? 🧐
  • 😱 he’s liked it! Shall I message him? 

Meanwhile, your actual bae is probably checking when you were last active and wondering why you haven’t replied, writing out and deleting a message to you, and, if they are like me, eating their own body weight in chocolate. 

*Things were just fine yesterday, what cyber gratification has he had today that has changed the dynamic?* 😞 

I’m not committed to my romantic life... 👩‍👦⌚️💰📚👯‍♀️

Ok. So I’ve cracked it. Not all of it! But I feel I now have a little insight into how my pea brain works and some reasons behind my silly decision making of late. I am currently investing in extensive relationship alternatives. 

  • Baby. 24/6. Love of my life.
  • Throwing myself in to work/ Taking on promotions 
  • Committing to my (lots of) different friendship groups/ Social events (namely weddings and hens. Cheers huns🖕🏻😂)

CP: Older, handsome guy who wants to move at lightning speed (pretty normal to be fair)

ME: No thanks! 

                                   🙅🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

T: Younger, handsome guy who just wants to hook up once a week

ME: Yasssssss! Where do I sign?

                                    🙅🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

BUT WHYYYYYY?  I can hear you all scream at your screens! 🧐🤨😏 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m a fuckwhit.

Tune in next week to find out why… 🙈

COMMITMENT PHOBES : PART 2 COMING SOON

#blog6 The Rebound

          

        Rebounds.           Natural or Selfish? 🖤

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Hands up if you think having a rebound ‘relationship’ is only natural after a breakup? 🙋🏼‍♀️

Hands up if you ever told your rebound, they were a rebound…? 😮

Rebound: Using one person to unlove another.

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? That was just my definition due to my own experiences with rebounding.

 

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It has been soooo interesting listening to what my people had to say when asked to discuss their thoughts on the REBOUND or the rebounding process. Here are some of my favourites:

GBF (30): “The process of shagging a guy right after you have split from a relationship. This process can also be to date as well as shag! Lol.”

👸🏼🎭: This intrigued me because I personally wouldn’t link rebounding with dating. I see dating as a positive experience, unlike rebounding.

Baps Work Fam (26): “Ahhhhh. The rebound.”

👸🏼🎭: HAHAHHAA

Niece (18): To me, I would see a rebound as being like when you break up with someone, and get with someone else that you don’t actually really want to be with, you are just doing it to get back at the ex??

👸🏼🎭: I love the question marks here… so innocent ❤️

AJ (27): “I don’t like rebounds because they are just a way to not be lonely. They don’t let you get over the other person. I have only had one and when I think of him he makes my skin crawl.”

👸🏼🎭: Mine too, AJ. Mine too 😂

Phoebe (29):  “Taking whatever action necessary to put yourself back together.”

👸🏼🎭: I didn’t know she was rebounding herself until she said this to me…

Tuts (28): “Getting under somebody to try and get over somebody else.”

👸🏼🎭: The text book response, but still extremely valid!

‘B’ Work Fam (32):

‘On the rebound’

Ready to have a few flings or one nighters to help relieve the stress of a recent break up. 

No-strings-attached sexual encounters or even just kissing to try and make the ex jealous or to try and get over them quicker. It can often excuse risky or slutty decisions too.

“Omg she’s taking him home!”

“Ah leave her alone she’s on the rebound.”

👸🏼🎭: Such an English graduate. Written like a true pro. A pro, who has in fact, never rebounded!

B adds: “I am so boring I have never been on the rebound.”

There is Nothing Pure or Honest about a Rebound Relationship ☹️

I have been both. Someone’s rebound and the person rebounding. Neither experiences have been particularly good for the soul for me. Both experiences have left me feeling lost, without the love I want and unsure about what move to make next. 

The reason I started to write this entry is because I was pissed off with finding out that I was, unbeknownst to me, playing the leading role in T’s film called, ‘She’ll Do For Now’. (Only the sex scenes would be a Box Office hit to be fair because his chat is absolutely shit!) But this is because he is still in love with someone else. He doesn’t want to get to know me, he just wants distraction 😈… Nonetheless, I was livid when I found out. Bastard! How dare he use me to get over someone else? 🤨

Everybody has different ways of moving on from things that have hurt them. When I left baby’s Dad, 3, it was the easiest break up (on my heart) that I had ever been through despite it being my most ‘adult’ relationship to date. He was supposed to be my forever. Yet, I left a home, left to be a single mam and did not shed a tear or ever once look back. Why? (Because he was a vile, narcissistic wanker who couldn’t keep his hands to himself) but also because I knew I would get over it. I knew I would move on. I had done this before. 

However, rebounding was not a part of the plan for moving on from 3, for many reasons. One being: yes I was now single, but a single MAM. Let’s sort that out first shall we? Let’s work out how I’m going to juggle full time work, single parenting, running a home, paying the bills, always having to take a pee with a baby around my ankles, etc. 

Another reason being that I felt so crap about myself after the break up because of the way I looked (to be fair, I had gotten so fat) but also because of the way 3 made me feel about myself as a person too. I can hear him now, “It’s baby, work, then me.” He was right. But we had both left somebody very important out of that pecking order there… ME 🙋🏼‍♀️ Where should I have been placed in the rankings?

Being a Mam had taken over my life (obviously and rightly so) and my new job had too. I spent the first 18 months of baby’s life doing mam shit and work shit only. No relationship shit and no me shit. I was just trying to find my way as a mam and keep another tiny human being happy, clean, full, entertained and let’s face it, alive, whilst bossing it in my new job role too. 

So now that I was a shit down with 3 out of the picture, I knew I had to add in the ME time BUT I also knew this time was not meant to be invested in a rebound. The overarching reason for this was because I still have so many bad feelings about the way I left things with my rebound from 2. His name was M. 

He loved me. I loved Him. If only He were Him. 

I read this quote somewhere and it summed up the way I feel when I look back at my fleeting 6 week relationship with M. It hit home that he is one of my most saddest connections because I carried into that relationship an unhealed bond to what was, so it was never possible for us to see what could be. I know now, that was so selfish of me and it still honestly is one of my biggest regrets in life.

But… Rebounding is unavoidable! 

Up until now, I had always used this as an excuse. Everybody who gets out of a relationship has to meet somebody new- therefore they are the rebound by default. They should realise this if they know someone has just broken up with somebody else. 

“Surely, M knew he was a rebound?” To me, it was obvious. I had just got out of a 5 year relationship, I was obviously not looking to jump into another serious relationship. Looking back now- was I actually making this obvious to M? No. The complete opposite! Because I wanted to lie to myself too. I recall him asking me about my ties to 2 several times, he said he didn’t want to waste his time with me if I was still in love with him. I found myself reassuring him that I was never going back there. (Which is what I wanted in my head…  the old ticker was feeling differently 💔) 

We went for lovely date nights, spoke over the phone for hours at a time, he had met my friends and we had some really good sex. It wasn’t relationship sex- I don’t think M had been in a long term relationship before. It was very ‘samey’ for the first few times. Like he had his one stand routine. I soon got him out of that.✋🏻I think if he took anything from being with me, apart from the bruised ego, it was how to mix it up a bit!

Anyway, 2 got wind of my new relationship and started upping the ante with the phone calls and texts whilst I was with M. This made M a little paranoid. As a grand gesture, I invited M to be my plus one at my uni friend’s engagement party. My friends loved him and we all still talk fondly of that party, but, I’ll never forget what happened when we got back to the hotel later that night. M asked me to meet his parents the next day… I said I would. M fell asleep looking so happy and content whilst I was laying in his arms with my back to his front. I closed my eyes so tight I could see clouds of colour, I had to try and fight back the tears I could feel trying to flood from my eyes. I still swear I could actually feel my heart hurting. It was 3am and I remember quietly reaching over to my phone to text my Burry and AJ the words, “I just wish he was him.” M pulled me in tight. I held my breath so that he would not notice that I was crying. My body didn’t move. But the tears still dripped onto his arms until I fell asleep. 

I don’t think it takes a genius to work out what I did to M. And to be honest, putting how I did it down in black and white is a dreaded fate for another day. It is, as I’ve already said, one of my biggest regrets in life. And I just want to say, I am so sorry. 😔

Mr or Miss Right Now

So, my experiences do not really sell rebounding very well. I was an emotional maniac. I had generated genuine feelings and emotions for M but they just could not top those I had for 2. As a result, both of them and I got hurt. So, I asked myself, is rebounding ever ok? 

I think there are advantages to rebound relationships: 

  1. I mean, let’s put it out there- it’s fun! You’ve had a shitty time lately. Fun is good. 
  2. It can make the transition into single life easier. 
  3. It gives you a chance to figure what you do or do not want in a new partner 
  4. And let’s face it… it could work out!

BUT! All those advantages are extremely selfish and do not protect the partner you are bringing into the rebounding relationship. One could argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with two adults engaging in a short term relationship…

Perhaps! As long as both people involved are aware of what it is you want to get out of the new relationship you are starting up together, then maybe rebounding does not have to be as bitter of an experience as mine was. Just remember: it is not ok to waste anybody’s time. Including your own. Do not do what I did and pretend you are not feeling things that you are or vice versa, because sure as shit, that stuff is going to pour out of you like an exorcism vomit one way or another. 

If you are the one dating someone who is rebounding, you may wand to consider if he or she is capable of starting a new relationship or if you are, instead, simply a substitute for the love that they have lost. I suppose, finding out the answer to that depends on how loose you are willing to be with your time and your heart. ♥️