#blog9 Single Mam Stigma

When should you call it quits? 🖤

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Singleton Shaming 😳

Writing about dating in 2018 and the fact that today’s generation is a sea of commitment phobes, got me thinking about how people are quick to say (myself included) that in this day and age, we don’t value relationships, family life and the sanctity of marriage like the generations before us. I have just written a whole entry about the fact that we quickly leave or sometimes stop ourselves getting into relationships these days because we are too caught up with thinking there is better out there for us. 

Then I realised, this idea actually conjures up MIXED emotions for me. Whilst I agree with all of that to some extent, I can’t help but wonder, are we now just living in a generation where women (and men) are simply getting better at saying NO to putting up with bullshit? Is it such a bad thing to have high standards? Why should I settle for less and stay in a relationship that is not serving me?

Sentiments such as anger, regret and embarrassment consume me regularly because I have been before now, embarrassed to say that I am a Single Mam. I guess some part of me is ashamed about the fact that my family didn’t stay as a family and I feel like people are judging me.

Single Mam Stigma 😫

There is no getting away from it, the stigma is there and it’s real and it’s a twat. This first reared it’s ugly head just a few weeks into my Single Mam life whilst I was in a meeting at work. The change in behaviour of a young person was being discussed during the meeting, and the very first question asked by my line manager was, “What is the situation at home? Are Mam and Dad together?” 😳 After a long pause, I swallowed. Then I answered.

“No. Mam and Dad are separated. Can you excuse me for a moment?”

I walked out of the meeting room with a clenched jaw and tears burning in my eyes. As the rhythm of my heels clip clopping sped up, I could feel the warm tears stream down my face just as I reached the toilet door. It was not the first time it had hit me that people look at single parents differently.  It was the first time it had hit me that the single parent was me. I looked at myself crying in the mirror for a while, quite self indulgent thinking about it now, but I suppose I was trying to figure out who it was staring back at me. 

Who was I now to people looking in? 

  • The Single Mam?  
  • The Single Mam who isn’t doing as a good a job as the Mam who lives with Dad? 
  • The Single Mam who did not stick it out for her family? 

All these questions started to make me feel sick and dizzy but I shut my eyes tight, held my breath and then it stopped. I wiped away my tears (still looking at myself in the mirror mind 😂) and I remembered WHY I was a Single Mam.

Strength is knowing when to leave. 

As it so happens, I didn’t have all that much strength to begin with or I would have left sooner. I knew for 6 months (or more) that I should leave him or he should leave me. The signs were all there, but I thought I was doing better by baby by staying. I wanted baby to have it’s parents living together in a happy home so that it could have everything. Turns out, if Mam and Dad are not happy… baby knows. Since we left, baby has grown in happiness, skill and character. This makes me feel guilty everyday for not leaving sooner. So, I have decided to write down some of the warning signs and red flags that I should have taken more notice of when my relationship with 3 was starting to crash and burn. Put the kettle on, hun, there were a few! Take a gander… They may help someone one day. 

  • You stop talking about plans for the future

We always used to get swept up in talking about holidays, home renovations, wedding ideas, baby number 2. It all stopped. To the point we didn’t even plan date nights anymore. 

  • You prefer spending time without them 

He worked nights, I worked days. This used to pain us at first but it soon turned into bliss. We didn’t know how to be with each other in the end, we preferred not being with each other.

  • You don’t text each other just to say ‘I love you’ anymore

In fact, we didn’t text each other at all unless it was to argue.

  • One of you loses interest in having sex

I used to make excuses about not feeling myself after pregnancy… 18 months later and I was still feeling the same.

  • You keep justifying the behaviour of your partner to friends / family 

I spent my whole relationship doing this. “He’s had a terrible upbringing!” or “The army has fucked him up…”

Sometimes I wished he had punched me so that I would have something to show people. 

The night I left him, I thought I was going to have to go to prison. I was plotting how to kill him, because I thought if I didn’t kill him, he might kill me.

I was left in a half naked ball on the cold floor of our bathroom, with the taste of blood in my mouth and parts of my body already bruised and swollen from being dragged around my hall, stairs and landing by my hair. I was trying to regulate my breathing to gain some energy before the next barrage of abuse came my way. The verbal was worse than the physical but I had no energy left for either. 3 was hiding my phone at this point, he had prized it out of my hand (and subsequently broken my finger) so that I could not contact anybody to help me. (Thank fuck for nosey neighbours in the end, eh?) 

ANYWAY! I thought to myself, if I could just get 3 close enough to the top of the stairs, I could maybe push the 17 stone, 6 foot 2 lump down them, and I’d be ok… but it didn’t quite work out this way.

When 3 came back he was thirsty for more. He was unrecognisable, his eyes looked black and his jaw was wide, his whole face was just evil, like something possessed. The truth is, I’d seen him like this twice in the past but what came afterwards this night had never happened before and get this, I am so grateful that it did. If it hadn’t, I would probably still be coasting through life, posting bullshit ‘happy’ photos on social media and living on eggshells everyday. 

I have only told this story a handful of times and I will never indulge in this memory to gain pity from anyone nor use it as an ‘excuse’ to people as to why I am a Single Mam. It is the reason why I am and it does not mean that I do any less of a job than somebody who stays or somebody who genuinely has a happy family home. I am simply making my point. I didn’t want to be or ask to be a Single Mam. I had to be. And that was absolutely the right decision for me and my baby. 

Don’t let someone who does not know your value, tell you what you’re worth. 

So! Old schoolers, Judgy McJudgersons and just people in general, who, after hearing just part of my story, would ever tell me that I should have stayed for the sake of my family? Anybody? Nope? I thought not. Moreover, I hope not.

BUT, unfortunately, the hussle and bustle of day to day life doesn’t allow for everybody to have the time to share their story with the people judging them. There’s no time to tell the teacher standing in front of you as you’re dropping off your child late to nursery again today (because getting yourself ready for work, baby ready for nursery and being out the door before 7.45 all on your own is fucking hard work!) There’s no time to tell the water company on the other end of the phone that as a Single Mam you’re struggling to make that payment (because you had to single handedly buy new school uniform and a fuck load of Thomas toys this month!) And there’s certainly no time to explain to the man eyeing you up at the bar, who has immediately now seen you as nothing more than a fling because you’ve told him, “I’m a Single Mam…”

So, I guess my point is that everybody, whether they are single or married or a parent or not, has a reason for where they are in their lives right now. I know in today’s society, with someone’s Facebook status being just a screenshot away, we are used to knowing everything about everyone… but just think, just because it didn’t make it to the public, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. So be kind people. Be patient. Be non judgemental. But most of all, be proud. I know I am.

 

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#blog8 Commitment Phobes: PART 2

So, in PART 1 I asked:

🖤 Why do modern day men (and women) find it so hard to commit? 🖤

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So, queens, answer me this. Howwwww did writing about and exploring this idea rapidly turn the spotlight on to me and my shambolic love life? I’ll tell you why, shall I? Because I am a car crash.

Context from Commitment Phobes Part 1:

My most recent ‘relationships’ 

CP: Older, handsome guy, funny, child of his own, own company but wants to move at lightning speed (pretty normal speed to be fair… I mean I could have done without the overnight bag on date 6 to be honest, but he’s only human to want to spend the night with me! 🤷🏼‍♀️)

ME: Absolutely not! No thank you! 

T: Younger, handsome guy, stays out all weekend, says he’s not ready to even start DATING (never mind a relationship, dating!!!!!) so just wants to hook up once a week (but messaged me every morning, spoke to me all day and we would talk about things that we wouldn’t talk to anyone else about 🤯)

ME: Absofuckinglutely! As if I’m not emotionally unstable enough. Where do I sign?

BUT WHYYYYYY?  I can hear you all scream at your screens! 🧐🤨😏 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m a fuckwhit. And to be completely honest, I have to disclose that I am not in my right fucking mind to be giving anyone relationship advice if I was willing to accept this piss poor excuse for a ‘relationship’ for such a long time. 

But ☝🏻 GO WITH ME HERE. I am without a doubt a fuckwhit, but a fuckwhit with reasons. Spending time with T did not require any more from me or my busy schedule than just a few hours a week. I could spare that initially. I could escape mam life/ work life/ house work/ friends problems and just be in our little bubble. But then… I started to want more from him. 

CP on the other hand, wanted more from me. I had started to put off things I needed to do for work. I had asked my parents to watch baby while I went out on dates 2 and 4 with him. He invited himself back to my house on date 6. He had an overnight bag on the back seat of his car. 😳 I shit you not, I freaked the fuck out. That is when I realised it. I AM THE COMMITMENT PHOBE! I immediately recoiled and you could probably visibly see my icy exterior start to freeze back over again. This guy who openly liked me, wanted more from me and I backed out. 

But… I cannot work out why I can’t seem to commit to shaking off T. I’ll do it for like a fortnight and then I’m like, “Hey, want to come and waste some more of my time?” And he’s like, “Yep. Be right over… after my haircut, of course.”

Hahahaha it actually just occurred to me that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before the time of 8pm 😂 

Let me make this clear from the outset- for the first 6 months he knew nothing about me really, other than how to get me off in under 3 minutes☝🏻

He would rarely ask how my day was going, never arrange a date or would never even simply ask what I was up to like what I imagine normal Homo-sapiens that speak to each other every day would do. To be completely honest- I have no fucking clue what we have actually been talking about for 8 months. All I know is he can get under my skin with every ‘Cutiieeee’ compliment he makes or change in behaviour towards me. Like, if he brings me wine and Kinders, I have to physically prop myself up against a wall to stop myself from falling in love with him. 

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❌❌ !!!!DANGER!!!! ❌❌

I know, I know. I promise. I’m quitting him. He’s just so dreamy and intriguing. He is also really hard to figure out or just really good at playing me like a fiddle. But it is evidentially, a complete waste of my time because this has been going on since January. JANUARY! When I say it out loud it is embarrassing. 

Maybe I should bill you for all the time you wasted? 🤔

But I’m going to take the heat from under T’s ass for a second and put it under mine. 🔥

I asked myself, ‘Why, after years of being a woman with your shit together in your relationships, are you so accepting of this non-committal bullshit?’ 

And then it hit me. My whole dating history might be measured by long, devoted (all be it, fucked up) relationships up until now BUT there was a lack of commitment from myself in them towards the end too. 

Myself and 2: First 4 years I spent fully committed to him and nobody else would even bat my eyelids. I’m afraid the same can’t be said for the final year of our war zone of a relationship. (To be fair, the cheating rat-bag deserved it) 

Myself and 3: Fully committed to being committed. Just wasn’t committed to working on our relationship. (To be fair, the narcissistic wanker didn’t deserve the steam off my piss, let alone any ‘trying’ from me)

This is what I believe to be my problem:

In the first stages of new relationships I’m always ‘all in’. I like the whirlwind of emotions and the butterflies and the undivided attention. This soon dies down like a lead balloon, of course, but I hold on to those initial emotions when going through bad patches in the relationship. ROOKY MISTAKE! I’ve come to learn that those times, at the beginning, are not a true reflection of how the rest of the relationship is going to go. These are simply just the times where both of you were on your A game, trying to impress each other in order to bag a mate ready for hibernation season! 

What he didn’t see in the beginning was us girls make up free in our Harry Potter pjs that have been worn for two nights in a row. No, no! In the beginning we are still wearing make up to bed, picking out matching underwear and shaving our legs within an inch of their lives everyday.

He is reeling us in to a dream life too! He is planning cute date nights, ringing you for an hour at a time to talk about nothing and giving you back tickles without you having to ask. PAH!

A few months down the line when your workload is piling up, you’re having a spotty breakout (from wearing all the make up to bed for him BTW) and you’ve put on some happy chub from all the foodie date nights, they seem to start making less of an effort don’t they? Pisses me off. BUT we hold on to the butterflies from the beginning and as a result, keep coasting through life with each other.

ANYWAY! Back to my Commitment Slut VS Commitment Phobe epidemic

I’m sorry, the vagina you are trying to reach is no longer taking your calls. (Or Snapchat’s!) 😂

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So where does all this leave me, right now?

STILL SINGLE AS FUCK. 

AJ said something that made me laugh but also made a lot of sense… for her 🙄

“Don’t go to the circus if you don’t want to fuck with clowns!” 😂 

But I knew that anyway. What I am trying to learn here is WHY do I want the commitment phobe over the guy that would commit tomorrow? Why am I scared of the latter yet don’t want to let go of T? Is it the challenge? Is my ego bruised? Am I just attracted to Fuckboys who are continually searching for better? Or am I just too committed to everything else in my life and not my love life?

I am not Whitney Houston, hun. I will not always lust you ☝🏻

I still don’t have all the answers to my rhetoric Qs above, but I do know this: T will soon be a memory and a lesson. CP could well be someone who got away but it’s all part of the process my dears! 

I’ve experienced so many CP’s in my time. I have not, however, been single and just had a casual relationship like I had with T. 

AJ (27) has some insight here: 

I think the younger generation of girls (the 18-22 year olds now) are a little more loose than what our generation was. The kind of males we’re attracted to (26-28 year olds) really like THOSE kinds of girls; non committal, still in Uni, not settling anytime soon… us on the other hand are looking for our future husband! (That’s a lot of pressure. Future husband. But she’s right. I don’t just want a boyfriend for now, I want one for keeps. Maybe that’s why I’m being so picky with the ones who want to get serious with me! I’m allowed to be picky about my one for keeps, surely?!) 

AJ continues: I feel like you needed a T because you have never really been single to experience that kind of relationship. It’s a thrill and it’s exciting but they make us appreciate what we want and what we don’t want. (Hmmm… what do I want?)

Initially: 

  • Someone who asks for my phone number and calls me before he goes to bed 🙃
  • Someone who arranges date night on a Monday for Friday and does not expect to come back to mine ☝🏻
  • Someone who asks how my day is going, how baby is doing and doesn’t rush nor drag the new relationship process 🤗
  • Someone who is handsome, funny, kind and hard working 💁🏾‍♂️
  • Someone who I have sexual chemistry with 😈
  • Someone who I will want to introduce to baby… one day 😬

In the future: 

  • Someone who recognises that I’ve had a stressful day in work so runs me a bath and orders us food, so that I don’t have to cook 😍
  • Someone who takes the time out of their busy day to send me cute messages whilst I’m in work 🦋
  • Someone who loves baby as much as they love me (realises baby is a part of me and is my life. Not expecting me to find time without baby for him) 👩‍👦+ 👨🏽
  • Someone so sure of me, I’m never left wondering what they’re thinking or feeling ❤️

(I am also a sucker for a rugby player’s body, a well kept beard and tattoos! But… I could live without them 😝)

So there we have it. My list of credentials. At least I’m back on track, ladies! I was getting to the point in this writing process where I thought I would never even want a partner again. Writing chapters from the book that is me has quite literally made me freeze over at times. But for now, I am very excited that the Ice Queen is starting to come around to the idea of possibly sharing my life with someone again… when the right one comes along, of course! 

#blog7 Commitment Phobes: PART 1

🖤 Why do modern day men (and women) find it so hard to commit? 🖤 

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It’s crazy how much the dating horizon has changed since the last time I was single in 2013. Commitment has become this huge, scary deal where people are reluctant to even plan and stick to a night out with their potential new bae let alone get into a relationship with them. I’ve asked myself time and time again, “Is it me? Have I lost my game? Is it because I’m a Mam now?” Because previously, after going out just once or twice with my exes, we would be starting up a new relationship… and sticking with it!

So, why is it that people will not commit to phone calls or even good old fashioned texts these days? People do not even need to make a first move and ask for phone numbers! Why do we limit communication with the opposite sex to just social media apps? Does that make the ‘relationship’ less of a relationship for us? So if it all falls flat, I’m just that girl he was speaking to on Snapchat? 

*His head*

It was nothing really. 🤷‍♂️🙅‍♂️

(There is not even any tangible evidence to suggest that they were getting to know each other… as the messages disappear as soon as they have been read! 😂)

*Her head*

😫😩😣😔

He hasn’t sent me a generic pic of his desk today.

😱😱😱😱

WAAAHHHH… HE’S TYPING!!!!

(Yes. That’s right. We have all been there! 😂)

          🤨🧐Investment Gauge 🤨🧐

Chatting through an app where the conversation vanishes as soon as you close it just feeds into the notion of low investment being the way forward today. And I get it! Low investment equals less chance of getting hurt. But it could also mean a complete and utter waste of time for all involved.

So! I did a little digging to try and find out what my people’s views were on modern day commitment. You’ll start to notice a trend here…

I asked: 

Why do you think modern day men and women are reluctant to commit? 

You are enough. ☝🏻

GBF (30): “Afraid of getting hurt? I think we live in a world our days where when relationships go through a rough patch people just discard them and throw them away too quickly rather than work at them. I remember reading a quote from an old couple saying that, “In their time if something was broke they would fix it, whereas the young today throw it away and buy a new one”.

🎭👸🏼: So it’s a generational thing? iPhone broke. Throw it away, get a new one. New car advertised. Sell old one, get into debt, buy new one. Is it the same for relationships? If something isn’t working or it isn’t as good as something else they’ve seen, they ‘throw it away’ to have new or better? Hmmm. Interesting.

GBF adds: “It’s because of this people are too afraid to commit, because of how often people can just ‘throw’ it all away.”

🎭👸🏼: Ohhhhhh… I see! So, you think people don’t want to commit because the other person will ‘throw’ them away? How sad. 🙁 I can’t imagine being in a relationship and looking over my shoulder in case he found something better.

Committing and Settling are two different things! ☝🏻

S Club (28):  “Two words. Social Media.” (She isn’t always like this. She’s just had a shitty few weeks with a commitment phobe!) 

I asked S Club to elaborate. 

“They see who else is out there at a click of an app so they don’t want to put all their eggs in one basket. AND other people are readily available to contact or be contacted by… this makes them think the grass is always greener and they’ve always got options.”

🎭👸🏼: First of all. That BOY is a dickhead and you’re a queen. Second of all, I’ll quite happily pickle his genitals for you? Just say the word! 

Friendship commitment aside… let’s look at this logically. 

Logic 1: If somebody can’t completely commit to you without their head being turned at every selfie full of tits on instagram, is he really the one for you? Is it Tits McGee’s fault or his problem? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Logic 2: People are allowed to change their minds about someone… 😐 I know. That sucks donkey dick. But if you didn’t like someone the same way you did as when you first met them, after just a few weeks of relationshipping, you know I’d be telling you to look at your options. 

Confused.com ☝🏻

T (26): “Trust?”

🎭👸🏼: This intrigued me. Why would you not trust someone at the very start of a relationship, even in the dating stages? Surely you trust someone until they give you reason not to? I don’t like the person who made you this way 😔

T continued: “I just think people are afraid of commitment full stop these days. Nobody likes to feel trapped.”

🎭👸🏼: Contradiction here! Now you’re associating new beginnings with being trapped? 🤨

“I just don’t trust girls. Before it used to be boys (who couldn’t be trusted?) but now I think girls are more sneaky and heartless.”

🎭👸🏼: Ohhhh… so girls are catching up with boys? Maybe as the modern woman is evolving and equality is at its peak, we are now too ‘keeping our options open?’

All You Can Eat Buffet! 🍭🍬🍫🍿🍦

Obviously, my people’s views on this topic have been based upon their own experiences with commitment. Speaking generally, I think it’s safe to say that the generational, modern way of life has a great impact on how smooth or bumpy the relationship ride can be. EVERYTHING we want or need can be had by the click of a button today. 

  • Want to buy a new outfit for the weekend? ASOS app. It will be there the next day.
  • Want to see your friend from uni who now lives in Kuwait? FaceTime.
  • Want instant gratification because you’re feeling shitty about yourself after arguing with bae? Upload that selfie to Instagram. 

Everything is immediate. Everything is right there. Including options. At the click of a button or a swipe of a screen, you can quite literally take your pick. 

Fickle Fuckers 🙄

So. You’ve uploaded your selfie. Your likes start to tot up. You’re now checking WHO is liking your selfie. Some things I can guarantee that you say to yourself here are:

  • Can always count on my bestie for that like!😘
  • Oh is he single now?👀
  • Why does he have to like everything I upload? 🙄
  • I thought he was seeing that girl from school? 🧐
  • 😱 he’s liked it! Shall I message him? 

Meanwhile, your actual bae is probably checking when you were last active and wondering why you haven’t replied, writing out and deleting a message to you, and, if they are like me, eating their own body weight in chocolate. 

*Things were just fine yesterday, what cyber gratification has he had today that has changed the dynamic?* 😞 

I’m not committed to my romantic life... 👩‍👦⌚️💰📚👯‍♀️

Ok. So I’ve cracked it. Not all of it! But I feel I now have a little insight into how my pea brain works and some reasons behind my silly decision making of late. I am currently investing in extensive relationship alternatives. 

  • Baby. 24/6. Love of my life.
  • Throwing myself in to work/ Taking on promotions 
  • Committing to my (lots of) different friendship groups/ Social events (namely weddings and hens. Cheers huns🖕🏻😂)

CP: Older, handsome guy who wants to move at lightning speed (pretty normal to be fair)

ME: No thanks! 

                                   🙅🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

T: Younger, handsome guy who just wants to hook up once a week

ME: Yasssssss! Where do I sign?

                                    🙅🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

BUT WHYYYYYY?  I can hear you all scream at your screens! 🧐🤨😏 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m a fuckwhit.

Tune in next week to find out why… 🙈

COMMITMENT PHOBES : PART 2 COMING SOON

#blog6 The Rebound

          

        Rebounds.           Natural or Selfish? 🖤

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Hands up if you think having a rebound ‘relationship’ is only natural after a breakup? 🙋🏼‍♀️

Hands up if you ever told your rebound, they were a rebound…? 😮

Rebound: Using one person to unlove another.

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? That was just my definition due to my own experiences with rebounding.

 

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It has been soooo interesting listening to what my people had to say when asked to discuss their thoughts on the REBOUND or the rebounding process. Here are some of my favourites:

GBF (30): “The process of shagging a guy right after you have split from a relationship. This process can also be to date as well as shag! Lol.”

👸🏼🎭: This intrigued me because I personally wouldn’t link rebounding with dating. I see dating as a positive experience, unlike rebounding.

Baps Work Fam (26): “Ahhhhh. The rebound.”

👸🏼🎭: HAHAHHAA

Niece (18): To me, I would see a rebound as being like when you break up with someone, and get with someone else that you don’t actually really want to be with, you are just doing it to get back at the ex??

👸🏼🎭: I love the question marks here… so innocent ❤️

AJ (27): “I don’t like rebounds because they are just a way to not be lonely. They don’t let you get over the other person. I have only had one and when I think of him he makes my skin crawl.”

👸🏼🎭: Mine too, AJ. Mine too 😂

Phoebe (29):  “Taking whatever action necessary to put yourself back together.”

👸🏼🎭: I didn’t know she was rebounding herself until she said this to me…

Tuts (28): “Getting under somebody to try and get over somebody else.”

👸🏼🎭: The text book response, but still extremely valid!

‘B’ Work Fam (32):

‘On the rebound’

Ready to have a few flings or one nighters to help relieve the stress of a recent break up. 

No-strings-attached sexual encounters or even just kissing to try and make the ex jealous or to try and get over them quicker. It can often excuse risky or slutty decisions too.

“Omg she’s taking him home!”

“Ah leave her alone she’s on the rebound.”

👸🏼🎭: Such an English graduate. Written like a true pro. A pro, who has in fact, never rebounded!

B adds: “I am so boring I have never been on the rebound.”

There is Nothing Pure or Honest about a Rebound Relationship ☹️

I have been both. Someone’s rebound and the person rebounding. Neither experiences have been particularly good for the soul for me. Both experiences have left me feeling lost, without the love I want and unsure about what move to make next. 

The reason I started to write this entry is because I was pissed off with finding out that I was, unbeknownst to me, playing the leading role in T’s film called, ‘She’ll Do For Now’. (Only the sex scenes would be a Box Office hit to be fair because his chat is absolutely shit!) But this is because he is still in love with someone else. He doesn’t want to get to know me, he just wants distraction 😈… Nonetheless, I was livid when I found out. Bastard! How dare he use me to get over someone else? 🤨

Everybody has different ways of moving on from things that have hurt them. When I left baby’s Dad, 3, it was the easiest break up (on my heart) that I had ever been through despite it being my most ‘adult’ relationship to date. He was supposed to be my forever. Yet, I left a home, left to be a single mam and did not shed a tear or ever once look back. Why? (Because he was a vile, narcissistic wanker who couldn’t keep his hands to himself) but also because I knew I would get over it. I knew I would move on. I had done this before. 

However, rebounding was not a part of the plan for moving on from 3, for many reasons. One being: yes I was now single, but a single MAM. Let’s sort that out first shall we? Let’s work out how I’m going to juggle full time work, single parenting, running a home, paying the bills, always having to take a pee with a baby around my ankles, etc. 

Another reason being that I felt so crap about myself after the break up because of the way I looked (to be fair, I had gotten so fat) but also because of the way 3 made me feel about myself as a person too. I can hear him now, “It’s baby, work, then me.” He was right. But we had both left somebody very important out of that pecking order there… ME 🙋🏼‍♀️ Where should I have been placed in the rankings?

Being a Mam had taken over my life (obviously and rightly so) and my new job had too. I spent the first 18 months of baby’s life doing mam shit and work shit only. No relationship shit and no me shit. I was just trying to find my way as a mam and keep another tiny human being happy, clean, full, entertained and let’s face it, alive, whilst bossing it in my new job role too. 

So now that I was a shit down with 3 out of the picture, I knew I had to add in the ME time BUT I also knew this time was not meant to be invested in a rebound. The overarching reason for this was because I still have so many bad feelings about the way I left things with my rebound from 2. His name was M. 

He loved me. I loved Him. If only He were Him. 

I read this quote somewhere and it summed up the way I feel when I look back at my fleeting 6 week relationship with M. It hit home that he is one of my most saddest connections because I carried into that relationship an unhealed bond to what was, so it was never possible for us to see what could be. I know now, that was so selfish of me and it still honestly is one of my biggest regrets in life.

But… Rebounding is unavoidable! 

Up until now, I had always used this as an excuse. Everybody who gets out of a relationship has to meet somebody new- therefore they are the rebound by default. They should realise this if they know someone has just broken up with somebody else. 

“Surely, M knew he was a rebound?” To me, it was obvious. I had just got out of a 5 year relationship, I was obviously not looking to jump into another serious relationship. Looking back now- was I actually making this obvious to M? No. The complete opposite! Because I wanted to lie to myself too. I recall him asking me about my ties to 2 several times, he said he didn’t want to waste his time with me if I was still in love with him. I found myself reassuring him that I was never going back there. (Which is what I wanted in my head…  the old ticker was feeling differently 💔) 

We went for lovely date nights, spoke over the phone for hours at a time, he had met my friends and we had some really good sex. It wasn’t relationship sex- I don’t think M had been in a long term relationship before. It was very ‘samey’ for the first few times. Like he had his one stand routine. I soon got him out of that.✋🏻I think if he took anything from being with me, apart from the bruised ego, it was how to mix it up a bit!

Anyway, 2 got wind of my new relationship and started upping the ante with the phone calls and texts whilst I was with M. This made M a little paranoid. As a grand gesture, I invited M to be my plus one at my uni friend’s engagement party. My friends loved him and we all still talk fondly of that party, but, I’ll never forget what happened when we got back to the hotel later that night. M asked me to meet his parents the next day… I said I would. M fell asleep looking so happy and content whilst I was laying in his arms with my back to his front. I closed my eyes so tight I could see clouds of colour, I had to try and fight back the tears I could feel trying to flood from my eyes. I still swear I could actually feel my heart hurting. It was 3am and I remember quietly reaching over to my phone to text my Burry and AJ the words, “I just wish he was him.” M pulled me in tight. I held my breath so that he would not notice that I was crying. My body didn’t move. But the tears still dripped onto his arms until I fell asleep. 

I don’t think it takes a genius to work out what I did to M. And to be honest, putting how I did it down in black and white is a dreaded fate for another day. It is, as I’ve already said, one of my biggest regrets in life. And I just want to say, I am so sorry. 😔

Mr or Miss Right Now

So, my experiences do not really sell rebounding very well. I was an emotional maniac. I had generated genuine feelings and emotions for M but they just could not top those I had for 2. As a result, both of them and I got hurt. So, I asked myself, is rebounding ever ok? 

I think there are advantages to rebound relationships: 

  1. I mean, let’s put it out there- it’s fun! You’ve had a shitty time lately. Fun is good. 
  2. It can make the transition into single life easier. 
  3. It gives you a chance to figure what you do or do not want in a new partner 
  4. And let’s face it… it could work out!

BUT! All those advantages are extremely selfish and do not protect the partner you are bringing into the rebounding relationship. One could argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with two adults engaging in a short term relationship…

Perhaps! As long as both people involved are aware of what it is you want to get out of the new relationship you are starting up together, then maybe rebounding does not have to be as bitter of an experience as mine was. Just remember: it is not ok to waste anybody’s time. Including your own. Do not do what I did and pretend you are not feeling things that you are or vice versa, because sure as shit, that stuff is going to pour out of you like an exorcism vomit one way or another. 

If you are the one dating someone who is rebounding, you may wand to consider if he or she is capable of starting a new relationship or if you are, instead, simply a substitute for the love that they have lost. I suppose, finding out the answer to that depends on how loose you are willing to be with your time and your heart. ♥️

 

#blog4 FBOY should be a Relationship Status on Facebook: PART 2

FBOY should be a Relationship Status on
Facebook: PART 2 🖕🏻👨🏽

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🖤 How to spot one
🖤 How to get rid of one

It is a sad state of affairs when we are living in a generation where living up to the FBOY status is more important than the relationship status. ‘Dating’ in 2018 has basically been me asking, “What do you want from me?” and the response being, “To waste your time for a few months and never speak to you again.” And get this, we are supposed to be ‘chill’ with this. CHILL. First of all, who decided to take off the ‘ed’ ? And second of all, girls, ladies, (men if this is happening to you) AINT NOBODY GOT TO BE CHILL WITH YOUR LIFE BEING WASTED.

I always say learning lessons is not a waste of time, but what miffs me off about me is that I have been learning these lessons early on in these so called ‘relationships’ yet I hang around for more of the nonsense anyway. WHY? Partly because I’m getting stupid in my old age but mainly because the FBOY is very, very clever. Designed by the devil himself… apart from the 🍆 of course. That has been carved by the angels. Bloody heavenly things 😡 ANYWAY!

🤯 FBOY Psyche 🤯

I feel it is important to note here that in my experience some FBOYS do not even know or believe that they are actually FBOYS. They think that they are genuinely nice people. That is how insidious this dating trend is. They actually excuse their own behaviour, when, let’s face it, it is extremely poor at best, and they leave you frantically refreshing your social media apps to see when they were last active. (Ok, what is that about?) AND! ☝🏻 Depending on how deep into the FBOY you are (or how deep he has been in you) you will also be checking if this information marries up with the time you sent your last message- the message that he has had the cheek to not open yet! 👀🔪

🤨 ⬅️ Me when he’s active on Instagram but has not opened my snapchat from 20 mins ago…

🤬 ⬅️ ME THROWING MY PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM

😯 ⬅️ Me when I hear the ‘You have a Snapchat’ sound

🤤 ⬅️ Me when it’s him

I know, I know. I HATE MYSELF 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

PAY ATTENTION: FBOY does not = DHEAD

This particular Satanic offspring we are discussing here are not to be confused with their older brothers, the DHEADS. See, a DHEAD should be easy to spot now. They are mean and behave poorly from the get-go. They take no real interest in you, your day or how you’re feeling, they don’t compliment you and you know from the offset this ain’t gonna be no love story. BUT because they are hot and nobody else is paying you attention at the moment you choose to ignore the really big, really red flags until someone else comes along. (They are a whole different species and a whole new blog!)
No, FBOYS are different. They shag your mind too. Limit your thinking skills and your years of training go out of the window with these guys. They are sneaky. And sly. Yes! Little sly, sneaky snakes who worm their way into your lady parts and poke and poke and poke at it until feelings come out! 😫

WHYYYYY DID YOU SAY THAT? 👀

🤯 I tell you things I don’t tell anybody else
🤯 You look hot
🤯 I love talking to you
🤯 You are the full package
🤯 I care about what you think

To name a few… 🤨

🖤I don’t trust words. I trust actions. 🖤

Do you know what the worst thing about the FBOY is? That they probably DO mean what they say in the moment. But a FBOY doesn’t think beyond this exact moment, he does not have the ability to see the bigger picture and what damage he is potentially doing by saying what he feels in that moment. He has no care for whether he is leading you down a road that he is undoubtedly going to reverse back up on as soon as he is bored of it, sober or found somebody ‘better’. Sometimes, and this is my favourite, they even like to say they are ‘scared’ of it. I mean we are all scared of getting hurt, but that should not be the reason that they use when they know what type of person they have in you. After 6 months of knowing me, you know I am not about hurting you. You do not get to use ‘scared’ as a reason anymore. It’s an excuse. You little wimp. You are just not that into me. SAYYYYY ITTTTT!

FBOYVILLE

This is where they should all live by the way… and there should be an electric fence around their little village so that all FBOYS can be contained and they can eat FBOY food and play FBOY rugby and live happily ever after together in FBOYVILLE. The End.

Unfortunately, there is no such place. They run wild. They run free. They run amongst us. *Shudder*

So, how can we spot the little creatures before they get under our skin?
Find my 3 easy tell tale signs, from recent personal experience below. Each of them sign posted with a black heart… because I am convinced I have one of those at the moment. My soul is as black as the tear stains around my eyes. 🐼 (Pandas are cute, though. I don’t look cute when I cry.)

Fo’ Sho a FBOY if:

🖤 They are NEVER the ones to make the plans. You will always be the one to do this. Yessss, they might instigate a conversation that will lead to you making the plans and of course, they will say yes (providing they have nothing better to do that night) but they will never outright make the plans or ask to see you themselves. They also won’t sacrifice any personal time for you, so the gym, man dates, haircuts, naps and feeding their goldfish will all come before fitting you in. AND! ☝🏻 In order for them to agree to your plans, their bored scale and horny scale need to be in alignment before they will commit to spending any time with you. Isn’t that just grand? 😬

🔬 Lets experiment! 🔬

If you think you might be getting caught up with a FBOY, try to resist instigating or planning to see him again. No matter what. Because I can guarantee you, if they ARE a FBOY, you will never see them again. I’m currently on day 6 of withholding contact. Have I heard anything? Have I 🤬. Yes he has been removed from my social media but he could call. Not that I want him to now. But the point is, if HE wanted to, he would have.

🖤 They do not have the ability to answer any IMPORTANT questions you may have about your ‘relationship’. They will disregard, ignore or answer with a clever diversion. The conversation will be like ping pong. Flitting back and fourth, with no real depth to it, unless you’re talking about him, of course. If you want to talk about yourself, you have to bring you up.

Legit conversation I’ve recently had:

Me: Morning! Come cwtch. 😫
Him: Morning. I actually don’t feel too bad today.
Me: Oh good. Glad you’re feeling better. I don’t feel very well to be honest… Thanks for asking 😂

IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTE HERE!

1. He ignores the fact I innocently said “Come cwtch”… he did not respond to that part in case I actually meant I wanted him to take time out of his day to cuddle me!
2. He brings himself up. Immediately.
3. He does not ask how I am.

WHAT IS THAT?! 🤯

🖤 The insistence that he’s not a FBOY

The nice guy thing wrecks me. What’s worse is that they believe their nice guy thing. If someone feels the need to constantly voice the fact that they are so laid back or so kind and they don’t mean to mess up like they do, the chances are he’s probably not laid back and kind and he knows exactly what he’s doing. Nice guys are people pleasers with zero integrity. Somewhere underneath the nice guy thing is a person who doesn’t actually know if he is a nice guy or not. I can help you out there, hun. YOU ARE NOT.

BUT HE SAYS HE LIKES ME?! 😭😫🤷🏼‍♀️

Just do me a favour. Answer these few questions honestly and then make an informed decision about the time you are wasting on this lump of disappointment.

HOW DOES HE MAKE YOU FEEL? 🤔🤯😫

I wish I had the balls more often in my love life to be in control of my own happiness and not worry about being left on the shelf. (The fear is real. I mean it’s pitiful and ridiculous but it’s real.) But, I do know that if he does not make you happy right away, you should sack it off right away. The beginning is when things are supposed to be easy and the best. You are supposed to be excited, spoiled and made to feel like the only girl in the world to them. If this is not the case- why are we settling? You don’t have to give an explanation to them. Trust me when I say, not being happy is a good enough reason to sack them off. You should not have to be worrying about the fact he has not messaged you this morning or wondering why he has not asked you on a proper date yet even though you have been speaking for a long time. All this stuff should be coming naturally to you both if you are meant to be. Don’t be investing your time and energy into anybody just to have a somebody. Be on your own until someone who sees your worth actually values you. This does not make you crazy.

HOW DOES HE KEEP IN CONTACT WITH YOU? 📱

If he only snapchats you and doesn’t text or phone you then delete him off snapchat. First of all, Snapchat is soooooo non-committal. It leaves no evidence of your relationship flourishing as it all disappears as soon as you close the app! Also, you can’t go back over something he has said and hold him to it in the future. He knows what he’s doing here. DELETE HIM! In fact, go cold turkey and delete him off all forms of social media. I’m a great believer in out of sight, out of mind. Eventually… 😏
Otherwise, I know what you will be doing! ☝🏻You are checking to see if he has looked at your story and taking note of how quickly he opens or responds to your snaps. Reading in to the fact that he opened that one straight away but hasn’t looked at this one. You are also wondering if the snaps that he is sending you are being sent to anyone else because they are so vague. They are not personal to you in anyway. My guess is, yes he is. And if he’s not, then he’s an even bigger knob than we first thought because he’s purposely trying to make you feel unimportant with a snap that could have been sent to all on his friends list. Am I right? All this game playing is making you over think and this will make you miserable. You hold the power to DELETE THAT MISERY! This does not make you a psycho. You deserve to have somebody who is sure of you. Sure of what they want and if that is you, they will be texting you ‘Good morning’ messages and calling you for hour long conversations before bed at night. (Love those BTW 😍)

WHAT DOES HE BRING TO YOUR LIFE? (Apart from that…🍆)

If he’s gargling tripe like, “Let’s just see how it goes, I’m not ready for anything serious…” but you are. Leave it there now. Tell him that you are not willing to waste time from your life for him, because the truth is, if he liked you that much, he wouldn’t want to run the risk of someone else snapping you up in the meantime. Men are really not that complicated. If they want something, they go after it. Taking yourself out of this scenario by blocking him on social media or ignoring him on a night out does not make you a Drama Queen. It means you are taking ownership of your happiness instead of putting it in his hands. It means that you are taking control and not being sucked back in by his dreaminess. It means that you see that you deserve better.

I must reiterate: don’t be his option just incase he comes to want you. No love story started with, “We saw how it went for a few months…”

And don’t accept any, “It’s not you, it’s me” nonsense! Call BULL💩 and be done with it. You will always know you did the right thing when it came to him. It may take you a while to get there, but you will. Him on the other hand… well he might possibly always wonder if he did the right thing by letting you get away. But, don’t hold your breath on that one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

TO SUM UP ☝🏻

Finally, know who you are. Know what you want. Know what you deserve and don’t you dare settle for less. Personally, I have learned that settling for Devil D will only make you more of a crazy psycho! 🤯

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F750444E-1124-429D-86C5-3065D98650FDFollowing on from PART 1: https://www.facebook.com/159870764703747/posts/231788784178611/

#relationshipblogger #notsosecret #diary #dramaqueen #blog #girlblogger #bloguette

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#blog3 FBOY should be a Relationship Status on Facebook: Part 1

FBOY should be a Relationship Status on
Facebook: PART 1 🖕🏻👨🏽

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As told by Urban Dictionary:
“Fuckboy: Noun: A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over.”

🤪BITCHES BE CRAZY🤪

Every woman has the ‘Bat Shit Crazy’ gene inside of them… it just takes the right man or fuck loads of cheap Rosé wine to activate it.

Being called a Drama Queen is so unoriginal if you knew what I did for my day job, but still would wind me up tighter than a… well, you get me. Because ‘Queen’ I can get on board with, but Drama Queen suggests that I enjoy or attract or want the Drama. No, no, no hun. ☝🏻That’ll be you, shovelling the bat shit and landing it at my feet and expecting me to not kick it back in your face.

Originally, this entry was to give some clarity to the name of my blog page but it rapidly turned into a flashback of Drama Queen memoirs that I couldn’t help but giggle at. NOW. (Anyone giggled at the time and I would have cut a bitch. Just saying.)

Let’s think of the INSTANT put-downs men give women:

🖤fat
🖤slag
🖤psycho

Bitch will feature heavily then as the noun.

‘Fat bitch’, ‘psycho bitch’ … 🤔
I have found that they do have the ability to mix it up a bit when they’ve got their thinking hats on, ladies… ‘fat slag’ may pop up!

So imaginative.

Let’s take a look at psycho, shall we?

👀🔪My Mrs is a Psycho 👀🔪

It just got me thinking about how men are quick to label women ‘Psychos’ or ‘Crazy’. This is usually after we react to the dickish thing they did with their dick in that dickheads house party! Like, what did you expect, babe? Her to be at the door with a hose and some Flash with bleach to wash away your sins? All to be forgotten as we Netflix and Chill while you ride out your hangover? NAH. 🤚🏻

I recall June 2011. 2’s 21st birthday. I was just about to start my fourth and final year of university and my last student loan would have been in the May. Naturally, by the end of June I was skint but I had managed to save the wages from my Saturday job to buy him shit loads of clothes from All Saints (standard lit fashion 7 years ago) and big 2 & 1 silver balloons. I laid them all out in the living room while he was out celebrating on the Saturday night. I was so excited to see his face…

2 crawled home on Monday morning looking like a dehydrated prune on crack. Yes that’s right… MONDAY MORNING. He went out Saturday afternoon. I remember things being said like, “Look at you, you’re a Drama Queen, it’s my birthday weekend, I’ll stay out if I want to, you’re not my mother!” I got a kitchen knife and stabbed fuck into his 2 & 1 balloons. “Look at you, you’re a psycho.”

I love the way you lie…🎧

His interrogation consisted of me hurling questions at him about his whereabouts, how much money he had spent, how many drugs he had taken and who was in his company and it took up most of the afternoon. His responses were so contradicting and poorly thought out but I accepted them anyway, who else did I have to believe?

Hit the deck!

After an afternoon of sobbing, screaming, pushing and shoving, I was exhausted… and pissed off that I had to sweep up all the plates I’d launched at the enemy during battle. Here we would see a prime example of how 2 was able to swoop in and make me feel like I was actually the one in the wrong because of the magnitude of my ‘overreaction’. He knew by calling me things like crazy, psycho and drama queen whilst being surrounded by the proof of it would make me want to make up immediately. So now, I’m looking around our home, decorated with wounded, lifeless balloons, sharp shrapnel and it’s so cold and lonely being on my knees on the tiled floor. I reluctantly waved my white flag.

I surrender…

Sex was painfully good when he was sorry. The build up to it would always torture me because my mind and heart would be at war, but he was always able to beat them both down until I surrendered. Why haven’t we learned how to turn off those vagina twitches already? 🤦🏼‍♀️
2 didn’t say what he was thinking when I was laying next to him later that night, knowing what he had done to me the night before… “Look at you. You’re crazy.” 😔

I lay in bed after he had fallen asleep thinking that the way I was feeling was all my fault. CRAZY right? But no. I had a point. The first time he did this kind of thing to me was his fault. I tried explaining it to him this way before now: trust is like a piece of paper. Once you fold it, scrunch it up or rip it, you might be able to straighten it back out or stick it back together but that piece of paper will never, ever be the same again. It will never be a clean sheet so you can’t expect one from me. The tears, wrinkles and creases in that paper were metaphors for the strips he was tearing from me and my ability to love myself enough to leave him. So in actual fact, the way I was feeling in June 2011 was my fault. This had been going on for years now. I was letting it happen because I loved being with him more than I loved myself. This notion takes me back to my previous diary entry: We Only Fall In Love With 3 People in our Lifetime https://www.facebook.com/159870764703747/posts/225921791431977/

Was 2 actually one of my 3 loves? Or was he more like an addiction rather than love? I was in love with the glowing, warm feeling when things were going well. Relishing the intense emotions. Always remembering the extreme highs when fighting back my tears rather than the hard, frequent lows.

I bet you’re thinking, “So this must be when she left him”. Oh hell to the no. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Despite this lesson burning in my very being that night, I snuggled in close, took a deep breath and smiled when I could the smell of his dreamy, naked skin. It was intoxicating. Everything about him was. He made my insides ache. I closed my poor, puffy eyes and I remember feeling so low AND feeling so high at the same time. The fast activity of my mind was a huge contradiction to how relaxed and content my body was, whilst wrapped around his. And I wasted another two years of my life for this kind of fuckery. More about lessons from those years in future posts, no doubt.

ANYWAAAYYYYYY… back to my findings about today’s bitches actually being a bit crazy because of what I’ve observed they are willing to put up with. I know what you’re thinking after reading my memory above, “Says her…🙄” – but that’s the purpose of me revisiting this shit. To help myself and maybe you guys too!

Don’t take that bet! 💸

I have since learned that 2 was a typical ‘One Day Wager’ who wanted the fuckboy lifestyle and have me at home, tucked away for when he was ready to leave it. Which was never by the way. The lost boy belongs in Never Never Land and my sources tell me that’s where he still is. Can you just imagine how my life would have turned out if I had wasted any more of my time thinking, ‘One day…’?

The One Day Wager

But what I learned here was so valuable:
One Day Wagers are seriously dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
‘ONE DAY, he will stop gambling all his money. ONE DAY he will stop taking drugs. ONE DAY I will be enough.’
And the WAGER I made here was my life. My time, my emotions, my energy, my intimacy in the hope that ONE DAY he would be who I wanted him to be.

So, ladies, if you are making that bet- my advice is, get rid of him. If you stay and gamble… bitch, you crazy!

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🎬PART 2 COMING SOON🎬

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#blog2 We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in our Lifetime

🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭👸🏼🎭

We Only Fall In Love With 3 People in our

Lifetime 💔💔💔

Well… that’s me doomed.

The ‘L Bomb’. ❤️💣

After talking to my girlfriends and gays about this, I found that I am relatively loose with the L word in comparison to them. The average time amongst my group of friends for feeling the feels was 8-12 weeks and the time frame for saying that they felt the feels to their partner was 12-16 weeks. Now, I know the longest I have waited to say it was 3 months and the shortest I’ve said it in is 3 weeks. So this got me questioning myself… do I even know what love is to be so liberal with it?

Anyway! Getting back to the title of my entry. Recently, I got caught up in an article online that stated that we only ever fall in love 3 times in our lifetime. “Ahhhh great! Who comes up with this crap?”

Despite trying to shrug this information off in order to keep the faith that my one true love is still out there (and didn’t get trapped in a condom), the article got me thinking about a few contradicting things…

Bear with Me 🤯

THOUGHT 1: I know who my 3 loves are… but I’m not married to any of them. Do I need to go back to one of them now or settle for a loveless marriage in my future?🤷🏼‍♀️

THOUGHT 2: Oh hang on… I’m sure I’ve said ‘I love you’ to all of my boyfriends. (There’s been a few 🤦🏼‍♀️ Soz, Mam and Dad. But it’s better having a few ‘loves’ than having a few one nighters, surely?)

THOUGHT 3: Do I even know what love is?

Me to Me: I can’t keep up with you! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I want to talk about THOUGHT 2 first. I have said ‘I love you’ to 7 people. 6 of them have been long term boyfriends. I am 28 by the way, so that is 15 years worth of boyfriends before you start judging. That is a long time. You judgy turd. 💩

Did I love them all? I asked myself. Did I mean it when I said it? “At the time, yes…” I replied to myself. I then made a list. I loved the excitement of one relationship, the keenness of that guy, the security of this one. But was I ‘IN LOVE’ with them all? Ummmm… Nope. I don’t think I was looking back now. Sorry huns. I’m a fraud.

This takes me back to THOUGHT 1.
I feel I can confirm I have ACTUALLY been in love with 3 people in my lifetime. (Let’s not start stressing about the fact that I have no more loves left in my life just yet, people!) Now, these loves that I briefly talk about soon, cannot be summed up in one paragraph but for the purpose of this diary entry, I have tried to do that for you. Just for you to get to know them a bit better. I have no doubt they will feature heavily in my future entries.

Thank Yous and 🖕🏻 Yous

So, here goes.

Love No1. The First Love. IDEALISTIC.
Early teens. Virgins. Fancied the pants off each other and we were each other’s first… well, everything! Everyone has a first love. The idealistic love. The love that you think will last forever. But in the end he left me because he didn’t want me to be his last for everything. He wanted to live a little. Sew his wild oats. He crushed my heart. I listened to Usher’s You Got It Bad on repeat for days and lost a tonne of weight when he left. WHAT PURPOSE DID HE SERVE? He introduced me to love and showed me how beautiful it can be. I also learned at this early age that love doesn’t ever leave you. Once you have learned how to love, it changes you and stirs something up inside of you- you are always seeking it out. Some sort of feeling will always be there for who you have loved, whether they are good or bad feelings and whether you like it or not. Love is such a powerful thing, and if I see 1 now, I still get that little butterfly in the pit of my stomach and get all school girl shy around him. He reminds me that I need to be careful of who I give my love to. Thank you 🦋

Love No2. The Hard Love. TOXIC.
Late teens to early twenties. Friends before. Was supposed to have been my first one night stand. Couldn’t get rid of him for 5 years after that. (Yes… I’m that good! 😉)
It was the toxic, obsessive, all consuming, told you’re not right for each other but we wouldn’t listen kind of love. This one was exhausting. A project. The one I so desperately wanted to change and live happily ever after with. The one I left (and got back with, and left and got back with- mainly because I loved his family so much) but finally left him because I HAD to and not because I wanted to. He made me believe that nobody could ever love me the way he did… and that nobody ever would. WHAT DID I LEARN? Love should never be that hard. Thank you 🖕🏻

Love No3. The Looked Good on Facebook Love. SUPERFICIAL.
Early to late twenties. Everything number 2 wasn’t.
I thought that setting out criteria after 2 for what my next love had to meet was a good idea. It was basically the opposite of 2’s CV. So things like:
* Must not stay out Thursday- Sunday
* Must not spend all his pay in 3 days
* Must not sext teenagers behind your back

You know. The usual. 🙄

3 had a good job, his head screwed on, his own money, a car, he made me laugh, had rippling muscles and loved to show me off to the world. Pretty much immediately, in fact. That was refreshing (at the time). He was all in, straight away. We were in really deep, really quickly and really publicly. I always said “I wish I could have met you sooner so I could have loved you longer!” Now I know I wish I could have met him sooner to get rid of him sooner. 🤦🏼‍♀️
Within 6 months we had a house. Within just over a year I was pregnant. It was perfect… On Facebook. Materialistic posts and PDAs. ‘Look what our life is like’ photos.
WHAT DID I LEARN? Do not pretend. Don’t ignore red flags and ignore your gut feelings. Do not stay. Don’t ever stay and make excuses for the things that are happening to you just to save face because you feel you are in too deep. I am not quite ready to say thank you to you, yet.

*Side Note*
Can you imagine blokes discussing relationships in this much psychological detail? They would be like:

Love A : nice bum
Love B : cooked good food
Love C : psycho

*Back from side note*

So. There we have it, online article. My 3 great loves. What do I do now if I have no more left?

My answer to this changes all the time, depending on my mindset, who I have spoken to that day or how busy I am. But what I feel most of the time, is this: We should be able to fall in love as many times as we want to, until we find someone who we do not fall out of love with, 🖕🏻you very much. This is where I come back to my final thought, THOUGHT 3. Do I even know what love is?

Game Changer 🥇🥈🥉

In my opinion, I HAVE been in love three times – BUT this is only until a new person comes along and tops these 3. Or at least kicks one of them out of the pecking order. Each love has been completely different from the other. Idealistic, toxic, superficial. Being completely frank, if we took say… 3 from the equation. Let’s say I had never met him. I could still have read that article today and been able to say that I have already had 3 great loves. I could replace 3 with G1. But G1 simply didn’t make the final rankings because 3 is in the equation.

I HAVE had 3 life changing loves – this fact will not ever change, but whether they stay in my top 3 loves forever is debatable. This ranking could change when I meet someone else in the future. The someone else who I don’t know anything about just yet. The someone who I am working on creating. The someone I am getting myself ready for. The someone who may (or may not be) my everLASTing love. ❤️

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